10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire truck.

9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

7. Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch bags.

3. Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

... and the Number 1 Sign You're a Terrible Cook:

1. You burned the house down trying to make Jell-O.

Yes, they really said these things ...

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." — Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

"This is a great day for France!" — President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." — President Gerald Ford

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." — Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

"My fellow astronauts..." — Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad." — State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." — Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." — U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Ronald," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Ronald?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

After long months of cold, we are finally coming up to summer barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking. First, you must recall that this is the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were shocked when the radar gun suddenly began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the device, but it would not reset. Then abruptly it shut itself off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise nearby.

Back at CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.