Hurricane season in Florida We

Abby admitted she was at a total loss to answer these...

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy

who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his

own religion?

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.

One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a

social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go

everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into

their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be

Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and

violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm

not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has

been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive

and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but

I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,

how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50

an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must

be crazy.

Dear Abby,

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a

little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't,

but he finally did it.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think

she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest

in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all

interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Wisdom from Grandpa ......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age,> > and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such > a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Have a GREAT day

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have
to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early mornin! g air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma
Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food
dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your
grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such > a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Have a GREAT day

Hurricane season in Florida

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days

STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.
Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise

Subject: A Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down
UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests yo ur ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend... except one ... Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay even if you did not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more
chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles,
and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the
brains of a four year old. Send this out to frustrate all of your smart
friends.